Why Shota Should Be Illegal
by Khandalis
Summary: Shota should be outlawed everywhere or else there could be dire consequences...
1. Chapter 1

(A/N: …this is a prime example of how Sasalia32 and I are completely insane.)

* * *

**Why Shota Should Be Illegal**

Roger loved Cliff. He loved Cliff so much that his chest hurt whenever he was around him. He felt out of breath when Cliff patted his head, and his face would turn red within thirty seconds of speaking to him.

His friends told him that he had a medical problem.

He told them they were just jealous. He knew exactly what love was. Even though he was just fourteen years old.

"Are you sure about this?" Cliff asked cautiously. Cliff had finally accepted his feelings three days prior, and now, on the fourth day, offered to have sex with him. If Roger hadn't been so in love with Cliff, he might have thought that the older man moved a little fast. But because he was, he'd been so delighted that he fainted on spot, and Cliff had to carry him home.

"I'm totally sure, Cliff. I want this. I've wanted this for so long…" Roger lowered his eyes and blushed sweetly. "You have no idea…"

Without another word, Cliff jumped him. That was the only way his moving from the door of Roger's bedroom to his bed (which were three meters apart) could be described. Cliff panted over him as he slowly removed his clothes.

"Okay…" he said. "But you can't complain that you were traumatized by this ten years from now or something. This is totally consensual."

"Cliff…" Roger murmured as he took him.

Sex was amazing. It felt better than eating a moist maple rum cake. No. It felt better than eating a moist maple rum cake with cherry sparkling wine and banana pudding. It was the greatest feeling in the universe.

At least, that was what his older friends tried to convince him to believe. In truth, it just sorta hurt. No, he was sure it hurt.

When Roger woke up the next day, he couldn't move at all. It felt like he had a titanium pole shoved up his backside. The blood on his sheets proved that it wasn't all in his head. Nothing that involves bleeding could feel better than moist maple rum cake in your mouth. Nothing at all.

Needless to say, Roger was indeed traumatized some ten tears later.

* * *

(A/N: I used meters. And I'm American. Word. )


	2. Chapter 2

(A/N: This is ridiculous. You don't have to tell me. I know.)

* * *

**Why Shota Should Be Illegal**

Despite Cliff's words of warning, Roger decided that he was very traumatized by that occurrence some ten years later. Perhaps the sleepless nights, apathy, and inability to eat were tip offs.

"Roger." His American shrink said to him earnestly. "You can't keep all of this inside. You have to talk about it."

"….I was raped when I was thirteen. What is there to talk about?" Roger said in a completely monotone voice. In recent years, it was said that the life had drained out of his voice so much that he sounded like a certain emo raven from a popular children's cartoon about ninjas.

"I thought you said it was consensual." His shrink said.

"I was fourteen. It was statutory rape."

His shrink narrowed her eyes in disbelief. "How old was the guy?"

"….Thirty six."

"That's disgusting!" his shrink cried out in outrage. "I'm taking you to meet the president right now! That man will pay for his crimes!"

Roger wasn't sure how she did it, but somehow she got them from North Carolina to D.C. in less than two hours. As soon as they were there she grabbed his wrist and stormed right up the steps and into the White House. One of the staff told her that the President was in the dining hall with his family, so she ran there( Roger in tow) and broke down the door. Even though it wasn't locked.

"Mr. President! This man was raped when he was fourteen and the perpetrator hasn't been dealt with for ten years! He is so traumatized that he can't sleep at night!"

The President jumped up from his chair, red in the face. "This is an outrage!" he cried. "We have to deal with this right away!" he turned to Roger and asked, "Who is this man?"

"His name is Cliff and his lives in Japan." Roger replied with a soullessly monotone voice.

"Alright! We are going to punish this Cliff!"

"Um…dear?" his wife, sitting at the table watching her husband asked. "Don't you think we should let the Japanese government deal with him?"

"What? No!" the president exclaimed. "We're America and we like to poke our nose where it doesn't belong! Furthermore, other countries can't do anything by themselves so we have to do it for them!"

"Um…Dad?" one of his daughters asked. "Do you even know what part of Japan this Cliff person lives in?"

The President froze for a moment, and then sighed. "…Bring out the H-bombs." He said to his secretary.

-Two years later-

Japan no longer exists.

Roger stared outside of the window of the library in the White House. For some reason, he had become a national hero. However, the guilt of so many lives and so much blood on his hands was too much to bear.

"I will kill myself today." He said out loud to himself.

"Oh, no you don't!" screamed the President who just materialized beside him. "We took out Japan just so that you could live in peace! You can't take your life!"

Roger, overcome with grief and remorse left the U.S. in search for someone to help him relieve his guilt.

Therefore, Roger went to Russia.

* * *

(A/N: I was going to finish this all today, but I'm too tired. Happy New Year. Good night.)


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: …You're still reading this?)

* * *

**Why Shota Should Be Illegal**

"I would like you to get rid of America."

Roger, in his distress, somehow made his way over to Russia from the US, in three hours. He braved the cold winds, snow, infiltrated the capital, bypassed the guards, and found the president's office in less than two hours. The poor disgruntled president stared at the man like he was completely insane.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"I would like you to get rid of America." He repeated in his perfect monotone Russian. (A/N: He speaks Russian?)

"Why in the world would we do something like that?" the president of Russia exclaimed. "Are you trying to start a war?"

Rodger fixed the man in a serious stare. "…they destroyed Japan."

"No! They didn't!"

"They did."

The president covered his face with his hands and moaned in despair. "The next chapter of Bleach was supposed to come out this week! How will I find out if Naruto eventually elopes with Sasuke? And I haven't finished the Shugo Chara anime! What happens to Ikuto?"

Rodger nodded sympathetically and placed a comforting hand on the man's shoulder as he continued to sob over the hundreds of wonderful anime, manga, and games that were lost because of America's foolishness.

"They were pretty cold-hearted." Rodger said in his monotone.

"They weren't even this mean during the whole Cold War fiasco!" the president shouted as he slammed his fist onto his desk with resolve. "That's it! America is done for!" He pressed a button on a screen and shouted to the general of the Red Army. "Prepare the H-bombs! We're going to take out America!"

The general flinched in surprise and said, "Are you sure about this, sir? This _is _America we are talking about."

"They destroyed Japan! We will never find out what happened in Kitchen Princess!"

The general saluted. "Right away, sir!"

-Four years later-

America no longer exists

Rodger stared out of the window of the Winter Palace that he was visiting with the president's family. As he watched the snow build up and children gaily make snow angels on the hills, a melancholy feeling washed over him.

"I…I think I should kill myself today." He whispered. The weight of all the lives that had been sacrificed due to his request was nearly overwhelming.

"Oh, no you don't!" the president of Russia exclaimed as he sprinted over from a painting he was observing to the dismal man. "I need someone to cry over the discontinuation of V.B. Rose with me! You can't die!"

Saddened, Rodger realized that he could no longer stay in the cold country of Russia where such cold-hearted people resided. He would have to find someone else to relive his remorse.

So, Rodger went to Great Britain.

* * *

(A/N: The first person who figures out how old Rodger is at the end of this chapter gets a fic (whatever idea/ pairing you decide if I'm familiar with it). The first person who guesses how old he will be at the end of this fic gets one as well. )


	4. Chapter 4

(A/N: …I commend your patience… and tolerance. Btw. Congrats to VladCharvat who won the contest thingy.

Apparently he can count :D Roger was thirty in the last chapter, and at the end of the story, he will be thirty-six. Y'know, the same age Cliff was.)

* * *

**Why Shota Should Be Illegal**

Now…everyone knows that if you go to Great Britain, you will find a lot of things you've never seen before such as: food as bland as sand, bureaucracies, snooty upperclassman, amazing accents, and really good comedy. These things are native to Britain and Britain alone. You will find them nowhere else in the world. Seriously.

Roger was excited as a little kid in Pokémon land.

He walked up to the palace munching on what the vendor called fish and chips but tasted more like a rubber balloon and cardboard. For a few moments, he was overwhelmed by the regal architectural beauty of the palace and stood in awe for a grand total of eleven seconds when he was distracted by a line of men who most definitely had greater attention spans than his. Roger stared at the strange men in red with tall, black furry hats. They stared back. He stared some more. They stared harder. Neither party moved for five minutes. …And then Roger got bored and walked past them into the palace.

When he was inside, he was greeted with shiny floors, expensive carpet and a lot of people in suits. They were talking to him in a strange language he had never heard before. It sounded vaguely familiar and alien at the same time. He decided that they must have been foreign prisoners of war or something. That was the only explanation for why they weren't speaking English. Roger ignored the people in black suits and glasses to continue his search for a king or queen. He turned down another hallway and saw a door labeled "King and Queen's Bedroom", so he knocked once and then walked in.

"Why, hello there!" a women reading in bed greeted him. "And who might you be?"

"My name is Roger." Roger said. "Are you the Queen?"

"That I am." The woman giggled.

Roger wondered what was so funny, but said what he was going to anyway. "I have a favor to ask. I would like you to get rid of Russia."

"No way! We can't do that! Russia is the epitome of all evil, second only to Germany!"

Roger looked to his left alarm. A large man with toothpaste on his chin stepped out of the side bathroom spouting something in that strange language the people in the hallway had been. Roger slowly moved toward the Queen to protect her. A prisoner of war in the Queen's bedroom was a terrible thing. How could the palace guards and her bodyguards be so inept?

Much to Roger's surprise, instead of screaming, the Queen giggled and spoke to the prisoner. "Dear, speak American. It's the only language he understands."

"Oh. You're right. I see that now." The large man said. Roger stared at him in shock. Since when did prisoners of war speak English?

"Why do you want us to destroy Russia, dear?" the Queen wanted to know.

"They blew up America." He replied.

"Consider it done." The large man said. He walked over to the other side of the bed, picked up a phone, and said something in that strange language in the receiver.

"Is that all, dear?" the Queen wanted to know.

"Yes, Your Majesty." Roger said.

"Alrighty then. The King and I would like to get some shut eye. Goodbye, now."

Roger nodded and turned off the light before he left the room. He walked down the hallway for a few minutes before his cheeks reddened with realization. Who was that man in the Queen's bedroom? Had he seen a scandal?

Roger decided to keep his lips shut about the whole thing so as to not compromise the Queen's reputation.

-3 years later-

Russia no longer exists

Roger lay on his side sobbing himself to sleep. After about three years of British food, he couldn't take it anymore. The British had become evil (this evil was added to the previous evil status they had gained for enslaving much of the world's population in their "Westernism"), and it was his fault. Europeans were followers instead of leaders. So, when Britain attacked Russia, the rest of them did, too. Of course, the first to fall were France and Poland and the only countries who survived was Britain and Germany (Germany was forced to pay all the expenses yet again). But that was beside the point. He would go to a place that could aid him in purging this evil. A place with actual seasoned food.

So, Roger went to Africa.

* * *

(A/N: The difference between British and American English is very small unless either party is talking very fast…or so I hear…

Furthermore, I apologize for any spelling/grammatical mistakes. I...I just really didn't feel like editing. So for you really picky people, it's a gift, or something...)


End file.
